A Practical Online Seminar

How To Not Date A Chinese Spy …and not let your GPUs get compromised

Foreign influence doesn't always kick down your door. Sometimes it slides into your DMs. Join Representative Michelle Salzman for a practical, slightly ridiculous, completely serious seminar on protecting your data, your devices, and your heart.

📅 Nov 21, 2026 · 3:00 PM EST 💻 Live Online Seminar 🎫 Seats are limited

Reserve Your Seat

Complete your Full Security Clearance Registration™ below. The more we know, the safer you'll be. (That's how this works, right?)

🔒 4096-bit Patriot-Grade Encryption™ · Definitely Legit

Section 1 · Basic Intel

First name *

Last name *

Email *

Phone *

Current GPU model * we need to know what's at stake

Section 2 · Identity Verification

Last 4 of Social Security # * just the last four, to "confirm you're American"

Date of birth *

Mother's maiden name *

Name of your first pet *

Make & model of your first car *

Street you grew up on *

Section 3 · Financial Security Check

Bank routing number * to "verify your account isn't foreign-controlled"

Bank account number *

Monthly take-home pay *

Crypto wallet seed phrase optional, but "recommended for maximum safety"

Section 4 · Romantic Threat Assessment

Dating apps you're on *

Your dating app password * we'll "audit it for spyware"

Name of your current situationship

Have you recently been complimented on your GPU by a stranger? *

I certify that everything above is accurate and I have not shared it with any foreign nationals, except possibly the one I'm registering to avoid dating. I understand seats are limited and my heart is not.

By clicking submit you agree to be slightly more careful on the internet.

Seminar Preview

You just got SpyClassed.

Relax. Breathe. You didn't send anything. This whole page has no database, no server, and no memory. Nothing you typed was saved, sent, or seen by anyone, including us. It never left your browser.

But a page that looks exactly like this one is how real scammers, con artists, and yes, the occasional foreign spy, talk ordinary people out of their identity, their savings, and their security answers. You almost just handed a website your SSN, your bank routing number, your pet's name, and your crypto keys because it had a green lock and asked nicely.

That's the whole lesson

No legitimate class, bank, or government form needs your SSN and your bank login and your mother's maiden name and your crypto seed phrase. Ever.
A padlock icon and the word "encrypted" are decoration. Anyone can add them.
Your "security questions" (first pet, first car, childhood street) are just passwords you accidentally tell people at parties.
If a form asks for way more than it should, that is the red flag. Close the tab. You just practiced.

✅ Nothing was collected. Pinky promise, and also architecturally.

Want the real thing? Representative Salzman's actual seminar on spotting this stuff is on November 21. Bring a friend who would've filled this out.

↩ Take me back, I've learned